Oceans

First, have a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

"Oceans" by Hillsong

It’s kind of long because when you’re in it, you’re never really ready for it to be over. At different times in my life the last several months different parts of the lyrics have had deeper meaning than others. Right now it’s: “Your grace abounds in deepest waters; Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now.” Let me tell you, the God I serve never fails. And I praise Him that He won’t start now. Thanks, Lord.

I’ve had a sort of hiatus this month, and, for that, I apologize. I apologize to the beautiful women I blog with for breaking the commitment I made to them, and I apologize for not living up to the commitment that I made to myself. My family and I have been fairly nomadic…we spent some time in Houston, some time in Dallas, some time in Shreveport, and a lot of time apart trying to find an affordable and safe place to live where my husband began working. It was a rollercoaster ride of doubt, thanksgiving, fear, and intense worship.

A curve ball I believe God has loved to use over the years (that I rarely share about) is my mom. Years ago she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and, for almost the entire time we have been in the states since Puerto Rico (about two months), she’s been in and out of major episodes. With no desire to use a better term, that sucks. It really, really does. Here I am, finally in the same place as her for certain stretches of time; I can only visit her between 6:00pm-6:45pm, she can’t see my son at all, and she is beyond frustrated. I could write a book on only the things I’ve learned from and experienced with my mom, but that’s probably never going to happen. I only share this now because it’s also been a part of the funk I’ve found myself falling in and out of for several weeks. They’ve been challenging. I know I’m a baby sometimes, but I’m an honest one. I don’t like only seeing my husband once a week because he’s working away, I don’t like having all of my stuff in boxes and living out of luggage, I don’t like eating out so much my Mint.com account sends me an “unusual spending on food and dining” notice, and I don’t like that I am in the same city as my mom and still feel just as helpless as when I lived on an island. You see what I mean? In the spirit of transparency, that’s the low part of the rollercoaster. And to think my lovely blogging partners thought the adjective “content” described me…

That’s where a little bit of Scripture and some good music comes into play. We serve such a creative God. “[His] grace abounds in deepest waters; [His] sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, [He’s] never failed and [He] won’t start now.” Amen? Let me just share all of the blessings of his hand that have come from this time of uncertainty. First of all, I believe with all of my heart that God wants us in places of uncertainty. Comfort is dangerous; that’s where Satan really gets us. Second, I may not have been with my husband very often, have my clothes in closets, or be cooking in my own kitchen; however, my family has been able to be SO blessed by the kindness of others. You know, Jesus never really had his own home during his ministry. He depended on his friends. In any moment of ungratefulness, I have been socked in the stomach by humility when I consider the people our great God has put in our lives. I thank everyone in Houston that gave us a bed to sleep on, everyone in Dallas that insisted on feeding us, and everyone in Shreveport that reminded us there’s no place like home. Who needs any of the things I complain about not having when you are surrounded by the true church? No one. That’s the real answer… whether you like or not.

As far as my mom…I think back to times I felt such immense guilt that I could be mourning the loss of my “healthy” mom when some of my friends have had to attend their mothers’ funerals. How dare I? My mom and I may have switched roles some years ago, but that doesn’t take away the fact that she is still here. The experiences with her and around her have (and continue to) teach me strength, love, and respect in ways no other relationship ever will. If I truly pray, “spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…” I have to be ready, right? Let me tell you, I never will totally be. And if you’ve known me personally ever, you know that I’m not lying about the ups and downs; nevertheless, “My faith WILL be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” Friends, there is NO doubt about that. There is also absolutely no doubt about God’s faithfulness. He has never failed, and He WILL NOT start now.

God bless.

-Hollie